Two and a Half Men (2003)

Episode 1

Most Chicks Won't Eat Veal

Episode 2

Big Flappy Bastards

Episode 3

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

Episode 4

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

Episode 5

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump

Episode 6

Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

Episode 7

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

Episode 8

Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful

Episode 9

Phase One, Complete

Episode 10

Merry Thanksgiving

Episode 11

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

Episode 12

Camel Filters and Pheromones

Episode 13

Sarah Like Puny Alan

Episode 14

I Can't Afford Hyenas

Episode 15

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

Episode 16

That Was Saliva, Alan

Episode 17

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

Episode 18

An Old Flame with a New Wick

Episode 19

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

Episode 20

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

Episode 21

No Sniffing, No Wowing

Episode 22

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

Episode 23

Just Like Buffalo

Episode 24

Can You Feel My Finger?

Episode 1

Back Off, Mary Poppins

Episode 2

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls

Episode 3

A Bag Full of Jawea

Episode 4

Go Get Mommy's Bra

Episode 5

Bad News from the Clinic?

Episode 6

The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance

Episode 7

A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana

Episode 8

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers

Episode 9

Yes, Monsignor

Episode 10

The Salmon Under My Sweater

Episode 11

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

Episode 12

A Lungful of Alan

Episode 13

Zejdz z Zmoich Wlosów (Get Off My Hair)

Episode 14

Those Big Pink Things with Coconut

Episode 15

Smell the Umbrella Stand

Episode 16

Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?

Episode 17

Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!

Episode 18

It Was 'Mame', Mom

Episode 19

A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise

Episode 20

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

Episode 21

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

Episode 22

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

Episode 23

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

Episode 24

Does This Smell Funny to You?

Episode 1

Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts

Episode 2

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

Episode 3

Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

Episode 4

Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs

Episode 5

We Called It Mr. Pinky

Episode 6

Hi, Mr. Horned One

Episode 7

Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

Episode 8

That Voodoo That I Do Do

Episode 9

Madame and Her Special Friend

Episode 10

Something Salted and Twisted

Episode 11

Santa's Village of the Damned

Episode 12

That Special Tug

Episode 13

Humiliation Is a Visual Medium

Episode 14

Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded

Episode 15

My Tongue Is Meat

Episode 16

Ergo, the Booty Call

Episode 17

The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer

Episode 18

The Spit-Covered Cobbler

Episode 19

Golly Moses, She's a Muffin

Episode 20

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro

Episode 21

And the Plot Moistens

Episode 22

Just Once with Aunt Sophie

Episode 23

Arguments for the Quickie

Episode 24

That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite

Episode 1

Large Birds, Spiders and Mom

Episode 2

Media Room Slash Dungeon

Episode 3

Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo

Episode 4

City of Great Racks

Episode 5

Putting Swim Fins on a Cat

Episode 6

Help Daddy Find His Toenail

Episode 7

The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room

Episode 8

Is There a Mrs. Waffles?

Episode 9

Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids

Episode 10

Kinda Like Necrophilia

Episode 11

Meander to Your Dander

Episode 12

A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh

Episode 13

The Soil Is Moist

Episode 14

Winky-Dink Time

Episode 15

Rough Night in Hump Junction

Episode 16

Look At Me Mommy, I'm Pretty

Episode 17

Fish in a Drawer

Episode 18

If My Hole Could Talk

Episode 19

Waiting for the Right Snapper

Episode 1

Taterhead Is Our Love Child

Episode 2

Pie Hole, Herb

Episode 3

Damn You, Eggs Benedict

Episode 4

The Flavin' and the Mavin'

Episode 5

A Jock Strap in Hell

Episode 6

It's Always Nazi Week

Episode 7

Best H.O. Money Can Buy

Episode 8

Pinocchio's Mouth

Episode 9

The Mooch at the Boo

Episode 10

He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited

Episode 11

The Devil's Lube

Episode 12

Thank God for Scoliosis

Episode 13

I Think You Offended Don

Episode 14

David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie

Episode 15

I'd Like to Start with the Cat

Episode 16

She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime

Episode 17

The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?

Episode 18

My Son's Enormous Head

Episode 19

The Two Finger Rule

Episode 20

Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau

Episode 21

Above Exalted Cyclops

Episode 22

Sir Lancelot's Litter Box

Episode 23

Good Morning Mrs. Butterworth

Episode 24

Baseball Was Better with Steroids

Episode 1

818-JKLPUZO

Episode 2

Whipped Unto the Third Generation

Episode 3

Mmm, Fish. Yum.

Episode 4

Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator

Episode 5

For the Sake of the Child

Episode 6

Give Me Your Thumb

Episode 7

Untainted by Filth

Episode 8

Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.

Episode 9

Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair

Episode 10

That's Why They Call It "Ball Room"

Episode 11

Warning, It's Dirty

Episode 12

Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste

Episode 13

Yay, No Polyps!

Episode 14

Crude and Uncalled For

Episode 15

Aye, Aye, Captain Douche

Episode 16

Tinkle Like a Princess

Episode 17

I Found Your Moustache

Episode 18

Ixnay on the Oggie Day

Episode 19

Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave

Episode 20

I Called Him Magoo

Episode 21

Gumby with a Pokey

Episode 22

This Is Not Gonna End Well

Episode 1

Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud

Episode 2

A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer

Episode 3

A Pudding-Filled Cactus

Episode 4

Hookers, Hookers, Hookers

Episode 5

The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel

Episode 6

Twanging Your Magic Clanger

Episode 7

The Crazy Bitch Gazette

Episode 8

Springtime on a Stick

Episode 9

A Good Time in Central Africa

Episode 10

Ow, Ow, Don't Stop

Episode 11

Dead from the Waist Down

Episode 12

Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead

Episode 13

Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup

Episode 14

Lookin' for Japanese Subs

Episode 15

Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak

Episode 16

That Darn Priest

Episode 1

Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt

Episode 2

People Who Love Peepholes

Episode 3

Big Girls Don't Throw Food

Episode 4

Nine Magic Fingers

Episode 5

A Giant Cat Holding a Churro

Episode 6

The Squat and Hover

Episode 7

Those Fancy Japanese Toilets

Episode 8

Thank You for the Intercourse

Episode 9

Frodo's Headshots

Episode 10

A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes

Episode 11

What a Lovely Landing Strip

Episode 12

One False Move, Zimbabwe!

Episode 13

Slowly and in a Circular Fashion

Episode 14

A Possum on Chemo

Episode 15

The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack

Episode 16

Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy

Episode 17

Not in My Mouth!

Episode 18

The War Against Gingivitis

Episode 19

Palmdale, Ech

Episode 20

Grandma's Pie

Episode 21

Mr. Hose Says "Yes"

Episode 22

Why We Gave Up Women

Episode 23

The Straw in My Donut Hole

Episode 24

Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!

Episode 1

I Changed My Mind About the Milk

Episode 2

A Big Bag of Dog

Episode 3

Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt

Episode 4

You Do Know What the Lollipop's For

Episode 5

That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam

Episode 6

Ferrets, Attack!

Episode 7

Avoid the Chinese Mustard

Episode 8

Something My Gynecologist Said

Episode 9

I Scream When I Pee

Episode 10

One Nut Johnson

Episode 11

Give Santa a Tail-Hole

Episode 12

Welcome to Alancrest

Episode 13

Grab a Feather and Get in Line

Episode 14

Run, Steven Staven! Run!

Episode 15

Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It

Episode 16

Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby

Episode 17

Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries

Episode 18

The 9:04 from Pemberton

Episode 19

Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon

Episode 20

Bazinga! That's from a TV Show

Episode 21

Another Night with Neil Diamond

Episode 22

My Bodacious Vidalia

Episode 23

Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped

Episode 1

Nangnangnangnang

Episode 2

I Think I Banged Lucille Ball

Episode 3

This Unblessed Biscuit

Episode 4

Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank

Episode 5

Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003

Episode 6

Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants

Episode 7

Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie

Episode 8

Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.

Episode 9

Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer

Episode 10

On Vodka, On Soda, On Blender, On Mixer!

Episode 11

Tazed in the Lady Nuts

Episode 12

Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.

Episode 13

Bite Me, Supreme Court

Episode 14

Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe

Episode 15

Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin

Episode 16

How to Get Rid of Alan Harper

Episode 17

Welcome Home, Jake

Episode 18

West Side Story

Episode 19

Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang

Episode 20

Lotta Delis in Little Armenia

Episode 21

Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot

Episode 22

Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead

Episode 1

The Ol' Mexican Spinach

Episode 2

A Chic Bar in Ibiza

Episode 3

Glamping in a Yurt

Episode 4

Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight

Episode 5

Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.

Episode 6

Alan Shot a Little Girl

Episode 7

Sex with an Animated Ed Asner

Episode 8

Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey

Episode 9

Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey

Episode 10

Here I Come, Pants!

Episode 11

For Whom the Booty Calls

Episode 12

A Beer-Battered Rip-Off

Episode 13

Boompa Loved His Hookers

Episode 14

Don't Give a Monkey a Gun

Episode 15

Of Course He's Dead (1)

Episode 16

Of Course He's Dead (2)